I have a 17 year old son, whose behaviour has changed drastically. He gets angry and shouts at me for everything. He was a well behaved boy, academically very good, and very smart in all activities, but offlate he is going down on his studies, wants to go out with his friends, wants to play football all the time and never listens to me. I am worried with his behaviour. I tried taking with him, he says that I have to stop treating him like a child and that he knows what he is doing, please help me.

Dr. Saul PereiraPsychologist47yrs exp

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Let me explain what your son is going through. He has entered late adolescence. This is actually a transition phase when he is moving over from childhood to adulthood: sometimes he will feel and want to be treated like an adult, and at other times he will feel and act like a little child. He will also think that he knows what he is doing but that is an immature bluff. Still you do not disagree with him. Let him feel that he is right but discuss the plans and decisions as though you will be going along with it but very artfully bring it back to some rationality yet make it appear that it was his decision and that it was after all right! He may be having a spurt in the production of the male sex hormone, testosterone, which fortunately has a duration of two years, only. Due to this chemical alone there are three identified features that present itself over which he has no control: he will be sexually active, aggressive and rebellious, and he will have acne and pimple problems. Then if he has unresolved childhood issues, they will compound the situation and fuel his uncontrolled behavior. Please remember that he himself may not be aware of all this. In his case, he is manifesting a lot of anger in his stubbornness: do you know of any reason from his childhood that may have contributed to unresolved anger? Go to a counselor and discuss these matters over and get support to take care of him. Now what else can you do? You parents need to become his best friend i.e. you must always ally with him and find the path of least resistance, without displaying any weakness. Communication must always be open and favorable. The moment he hides things and does not communicate with you or you withdraw it, there is serious danger. Avoid all types of confrontations and discus your concerns with him, openly. Never give him anything without there being some negotiations ? barter with him; you give him something in return for some compliance from him. There has to be some ground rules and established boundaries in your house. Let it appear like it is his choice to comply. You have to be strong and firm in some matters. Don?t make decisions for him: offer alternatives that help him make responsible choices. I recommend that you take him for career counseling and determine his aptitude for academic pursuits. Whatever you do, never let him feel rejected by you. There is no harm to tell him that you are afraid as to what is going to happen to him, and afraid that you cannot handle him. This is a fact and so there is no shame in being that open to him. Remember that he is seeking attention by these means. Do not deprive him of it. In fact listen to his arguments, and see where he is coming from and get into that frame of reference to understand him. He may be frustrated with you, if you insist in having it your way, when the world is undergoing rapid changes every day. Try to understand him. Both parents must be on the same page and not argue about him in his presence. Let him know that he is dealing with a united front and that he cannot play games pitching one parent against another. But he must always feel love and acceptance. Two years (may be he has already completed one year by now) will fly in a jiffy, and he will settle down very amicably. The way you deal with him, you could either escalate the situation, because you think and know that you are older and stronger; or you could facilitate a youngster to tide over this situation with great resolve and character formation, by being his best friend during this period of strife and turmoil. 

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