Thought no. 1:sab kuch khata ho gaya. Thought no. 2:mere chehre par muskurahat hain jab me 100 saal ka zindagi, 20 saal me jeena chahta hoon. And when I completed any assigned task, then I feel laziness. It's like when a batsman make century in 2006, and after that he is saying, that I would not play further because I made a century 15 years ago and now I will not do any productive things much. Thought no. 3:i enjoy thinking suicidal thoughts because it gives me pleasure. In the sense, I listen and read to suicide news, suicide documentaries, suicide stories, I watch tv shows in which a person is committing suicide and when I watch all these, it makes me very alert and I don't get bored. Suppose, I feel restless thus taking a nap in bed. But when my mind tells me to search for an episode related to suicide, then this brings me out of bed (comfort zone) and I become enthusiastic. Thought no. 4: I used to imagine my pillow to be my girlfriend and I used to talk to it. In my imaginary world, she (imaginary girlfriend - pillow) used to slap me and I caught her while having affair with another guy. This makes me think that in real life, I will get divorce. Plus, minor suicidal thoughts may occur. Thought no. 5: from more than one year, I feel that my colleagues will commit mass suicide during the pandemic. Therefore, not to get the suicidal neck message in my whatsapp group, I left all the whatsapp groups. Thought no. 6: I feel that in future, a virus will come which will affect psychological health thus greater chance/prone to suicide. So, I am feeling anxiety of that. Thought no. 7: I don't pick up the calls because, I feel that if I pick up/accept/answer the call, then the person (incoming call), will hypnotised me (via phone) to make me jump from the balcony. For your kindly information: previously I was diagnosed with: 1) major depressive affective disorder, single episode, unspecified. 2) adjustment disorder with mixed anxiety and depressed mood. 3) anxiety disorder in conditions classified elsewhere. 4) cluster b traits. 5) bipolar I disorder, most recent episode (or current) manic 6) mild trichotillomania. 7) obsessive compulsive disorder. And the symptoms were: 1) feeling low, mood swings, anger issues, aggression, disturbance in sleep, duration: years 2) anxiety, palpitations, poor concentration, duration: 1 month 3) feeling sad, low mood, poor concentration, body pain, palpitations, duration: 7 to 8 months 4) non pervasive low mood, worries about semen and masturbation practice, difficulty in social situation (more with girls), anger outburst towards family member, anhedonia premorbid- rigidity, odd eccentric belief, decreased social interaction 5) compulsive hair plucking - details: grandiose delusions, believes I am incarnation of god. Social anxiety. History of low mood and suicidal thoughts in dec 2020 treatment history: antidepressant: escitalopram 10 mg then 20 mg antipsychotic: olanzapine 2.5 mg then 5 mg duration: 46 days (2 january 2021 - 18 february 2021) note: stopped the treatment by tapering as advised by psychiatrist.
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You have a merry mix of various symptoms and that is why there is a variety of diagnosis. However, one thing is very clear that there is a lot of anger, probably from childhood, which is the underlying cause of your symptoms. The closest diagnosis of your current condition seems to be bipolar 1. This is a psychotic condition and needs immediate and prolonged attention and treatment. It is not enough to have medication alone: you must work intensely with a therapist in tandem with the medication. You actually need suicide supervision since the frequency of the ideation is too much. Because you are young the prognosis is good if you cooperate. There are certain adaptations that will suit you during the elation phase and there are certain behaviors that are required during the depressed phases. In the meantime, you can do certain things that will give you benefits anyway. Emotional therapy will alleviate a lot of the problems faced in this condition because it is a mood disorder. You need to particularly look at your levels of anger both for its reasonableness and to express it in appropriate manner. I suspect that much of this anger may have origins in early childhood that you may never be aware of it now. Talk to your parents and explore that angle. This information will help the counselor too. Also you will need to check whether there is any genetic factor involved. You must exercise regularly, eat healthily and sleep normally too. If your motivation and cooperation is good much can be achieved. You must have a time-structured schedule filled with interesting and reasonable activities and it must be monitored for compliance and delivery. The reason I say this is that many times you will be inclined to have grandiose notions and confidently believe that you can do without the medication. This will set you back many months in the treatment and delay and sabotage the recovery: forewarned you are forearmed. If this combination of medication with therapy is maintained for at least three years without any episodes or breakdowns, it is possible to taper the medication in consonance with the doctor.
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You might be suffering from schizoaffective disorder and it requires immediate attention of a doctor. Consult a psychiatrist as soon as possible.
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