Hello doctor! I'm 20 years old and i'm in a relationship from past 2 years with a boy. Though there had been many ups and downs in our relationship but this guy as promised never left me alone. He loves me a lot and does so much for me but he used to have a very bad cannabis addiction but it was not a big deal for me. He left everything for me . But then he again started it for a week. And then again left all that because I left him. Both our families know somewhat about us. But the guy has very bad image. Every other person comes and says bad about him that He's only using Me and about his past. I had straight away talked to him about it also but that's all ok. whenever we get intimate after that I get the feeling that He's only using me. Every little action of his like not talking on phone immediately for some reason it all makes Me feel so sad. I get very depressed as i'm not again able to trust him completely on that he will completely leave the cannabis though he has promised me. He meets me everyday and on phone call as well doesn't go to his friends for me. But still I feel very insecure. It feels that he will leave me. He is not listening to my problems and keeps on telling that he has headache after sex and all that. He lows I feel such way he tries to convince me but my mind doesn't makes up. Please help.

Dr. Saul PereiraPsychologist46yrs exp

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You are doing well by confronting him every time you hear something. This sounds like an open relationship, which is really good. When people say something about hi9m it will cause a lot of doubt and so there will be mistrust in the relationship and that is bad. Neither should you ignore what people say because not all of them will lie. Therefore, weigh the facts and cross-examine him and read between the lines of his answers. Because you are in love, you will tend to believe him readily and that is why they say that love is blind. My concern in the first place is why you were attracted to a guy who is addicted to cannabis? The answer to this question is to look inside and see if you felt a strong mothering instinct towards him. If that is the case, believe me, there will be a lot of problems in the future. He has to come clean and not abstain from the substance whenever you threaten him. Unfortunately, there is a double bind: if you leave him now he will definitely go back to marijuana; and if you stayed with him he may play games around all this and still be an addict. Your relationship should be strongly based on good and sound principles, which I feel are not fully present. So have a serious talk with him with an ultimatum that he ahs to not only give up his addiction but also make some serious changes in his life to alter his addictive personality. For this, he should go for addiction counseling and work on his susceptibility. When that counselor can give you some assurances, you can perhaps take the risk. You will need a third person's assurance to prevent the easy influence of being blind at this point. So when too many people talk about him in a bad way, then you know that there is no smoke without a fire!!! Think about all this, talk to him constructively and if he truly loves and also wants to change his personality through therapy, you can go forward always under the approval of the counselor. 

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